I have done a lot of stupid things in my life. Some on purpose which I have then regretted, and some without realising. The most stupid thing was a few years ago, and I don't think that I could possibly do anything more stupid in the future. I find it a bit easier to talk about now, but still prefer the avoid it being mentioned. I am including it in here as it was something that had a big effect on my life, for bad and actually some good too.
I was going out with a girl called Nicola. When I say going out, this seemed to change daily. One minute we were, then we weren't, and it messed up my head a lot.
I remember that she'd call it off one day, then the next day start talking about having kids with me, which really was quite a head fuck, especially as I had fallen in love with her. I don't know why the hell I fell for her, as we didn't have a great deal in common, also we were very different people. I also don't think she intentionally meant to mess up my head, but she did, and it hurt a lot too. My heart was quite a mess, one minute it felt amazing knowing I was with her, the next it was torn to pieces when it seemed as if she didn't want to be.
After a while it got a bit too much, so on a Monday afternoon I went into the medicine cabinet and overdosed on Anadin Extra. I honestly can't remember how many I took now, but it was over ten and under 20, which I found out later really doesn't have much of an effect.
I'd also written out some letters. One for my family, which I also included contact numbers to contact my friends for the funeral. Then I also wrote a letter to Nicola. It's still very hard to explain why I took the tablets and also went to the extent of writing the letters. Did I want to die? I honestly don't think so, and I think I knew I wouldn't, yet in my head I think I wanted to pretend I would. It was kind of as if I wasn't in my body at the time, as if it was someone else and I was just there watching.
I don't think it was an attention thing as such, but more so it would hurt Nicola, which does sound pretty bad, but she hurt me a lot and I guess I wanted her to feel some pain. Still, I really wasn't myself, I'd definitely gone a bit mad in the head which definitely must have been from having had my head and heart completely messed up.
Anyway I called Nicola and told her what I'd done, which she was definitely freaked out by. I was then worried she'd call an ambulance or something, so I decided to leave the house and hide in the bus stop up the road. I was also quite shocked that the tablets hadn't made me fall asleep by this point.
Nicola then turned up in her car with her mum, so I ran over and gave her the letter and tried to walk off, but her mum got out of the car and came after me. She then said I should get in the car and they'd take me to the hospital. On the way I tried to call Claire, I didn't want to call mum or dad, but she was out decorating her new house before she moved in.
When we got to the hospital Nicola stayed in the car and also kept my phone incase Claire called back, then I went into A and E with her mum. That was the last time I ever saw Nicola, which I know isn't the best way to part ways with someone. I am glad I've not seen her since as I really wouldn't want to. I think it's fairly likely she's seen me around town at some point, but I am always in my own world and never notice people when out and about.
I felt very embarassed when I had to tell the receptionist I'd taken an overdose, but I do remember she seemed quite concerned. There was then quite a long silent wait while I sat waiting next to Nicolas mum, who I know wasn't very happy with what I'd done. She also went out once in a while to check on Nicola, who was apparently in quite a state, even more so after having read the letter.
I was then called in to see a phychiatrist to discuss what happened. I was open with him, and I told him how I felt very stupid, and also about Nicola. He said that I definitely wasn't crazy and that it was just a cry for help, so I went and sat back down, but Nicolas mum wasn't there as she was checking on Nicola again.
Ten minutes after being sat there by myself (which I have to admit I didn't really enjoy being alone right then) I saw my mum running in looking around and looking worried sick. I called out to her and she came and sat with me. Nicolas mum had used my mobile to call her, and I was bloody glad that she was there. However she was worried sick, not just at the time but for weeks, even months afterwards. I then got called in again and had to have a blood sample taken so they could see if the tablets had had any effect. when I came out Nicolas mum was back, so I got my phone back from her and she left. Then not long after that, Dad turned up, and he was certainly a lot better than Mum, he was a lot more calm and reassuring.
I was still wondering why I wasn't feeling sleepy yet, infact if anything I was buzzing from the tablets by now and wouldn't stop talking, telling them that I was ok.
A little bit later Claire turned up, and all four of us were sat there, and I guess that's when i realised how much my family do care for me. I certainly hadn't thought about the impact it'd have on them, and they were all quite worried.
I was finally called back in and told that my blood came back ok, and I was injected with a clear fluid, which i have no idea what it was, but am guessing it was just a precaution to make sure I was ok. I was also totally buzzing and hyper by that point. When I got home and checked the box for Anadin Extra, I noticed that they have caffeine in, which is why I didn't fall asleep and why I was buzzing so much.
I logged onto msn and told a few people what I'd done. It was good to talk to people about it, although I only told a couple to start with. It was a few weeks before most of my friends found out about it, and there seemed to be mixed reactions. Some people I expected would be great with it found it hard to know what to say, where as others I least expected to be good dealing with it were surprisingly better to talk to. A lot of people would try to change the conversation I think because they assumed that'd be the best thing to help me feel better. Yet what surprised me was Dave. He's my oldest mate, I've known him since I was 3 days old, but he's certainly not someone you'd assume would be great in that sort of situation. yet he asked me questions about it, which is what helped the most.
I think that most people were surprised, as they see me as happy and care free all the time. Anyway I learnt that I have a lot of true friends who do genuinely care about me, and they did help me get over things, although it did take time.
I think it was a good year if not two before I properly got over Nicola. I know I hurt her more than I've ever hurt anyone else, which I do still feel awful about, but I am hoping she's since forgiven me and pretty much forgotten me as I have her.
I still feel very silly for what I did, and I still feel embarrassed and quite guilty over it all. I did come out of it a slightly stronger person though, and I know I'll never do anything so stupid again.
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